Harry's Suicidal Summer
by Lina and Mio
Summary: .'My summer vacation wasn't going well. My Godfather met his demise and it was kinda, all my fault. Then I got this power-hungry, creep out to get me. Due to this lack of happy occurrences, I decided to kick the bucket' Not much Harry in this story.
1. Letter

Dearest Hermione,  
  
If only the world were as beautiful as you, perhaps I wouldn't be-you know- _dead_. But I am, so I'll explain.  
  
Why I Died On My Summer Holiday  
  
By: Harry James Potter  
  
My summer vacation wasn't going as well as I would have liked. My Godfather met his demise and it was kinda, a little bit, partially, all my fault. Then I got this crazy, power-hungry, red-eyed creep out to get me. Not to mention my cousin gave me a perm in his newest aspirations to be a beautician. Due to this decreasing trend of happy occurrences, I figured it'd be best to kick the bucket. Ironically, it's the lack of a grim- looking object in my life that throws into sharp relief my desire to die. Sorry for any inconvenience.  
  
.  
  
So, I find myself, pen in hand, scribbling this final letter to my- _everything_-in hopes that she will heed my last wishes.  
  
First, Hermione, I ask of you to be my messenger. As I near to the end, I am enlightened on what to do to better the lives of my fellows, since mine obviously isn't going anywhere but down.  
  
Force Snape to wash his hair. Personally I think he'd look hot with corn- rows, but just make him wash it. He'd have a much better chance with McGonagall. I know he's been eyeing her, he can't deny it.  
  
Tell Remus to get himself a girl. Trelawney, Ginny, some old flame, I don't care who. Just have himself get one. Girls are good. Very good, I've discovered. Particularly when....er, just have him use his imagination.  
  
Next we have Neville. Tell him that he's a prat. I know his parents were great, and I should be telling him to believe in himself. But he's hopeless so he may as well retire into the muggle world. America preferably, he'll fit in there.  
  
You won't understand this, but tell Ron to pick an orange and pink impatient out of my yard, stick it behind his left ear and flaminco dance. He'll understand.  
  
Now, finally, my dear Hermione. I wish you all the love in the world. Don't cry for me, move on. Forget me and give your heart to someone else. I die peaceful (or as peaceful as suffocation can be) knowing you will heed my words. I love you with all my heart, so believe me when I say be a whore. Be the best whore you can be. Guys love sluts. Start ASAP. No guy could resist you with you hair smoothed out, heavy eye make-up, low-cut shirts and a mini-skirt, _mmmmmm_, I mean, that's what most guys go for. I love you because of your great, uh, personality. Yeah.  
  
Cheerio,  
  
Harry  
  
P.S. At the funeral, make it a closed coffin. I don't want anyone to see my hair. 


	2. Funeral Rites

Harry's Suicidal Summer  
Chapter 2: Funeral Rites  
  
Tears streamed down Hermione's face as she read Harry's note for the 19th time. She pushed it away and sobbed in to her arm. Finally, her tears dried and with the lull came a stiff resolve. Disgust crossed her red and blotchy face when Dudley came into the room, wailing unconvincingly.  
  
"This was where he done it! OH, my poor poor cous-hey! What are you doing in here?"  
  
Dudley had been showing a group of neighbors around the house before Harry's funeral. When the news came out of Harry's death, the neighborhood went up in arms. Suicide was not something that happened in a place like Privet Drive. They felt sympathy for the boy and began wondering why he did it. They knew he was messed up as he went to St. Brutis' but, was it really his fault? In an effort to save face, the Durselys invited many people to Harry's funeral. Unfortunately for them, one of the neighbors was Mrs. Figg, who implied rather loudly at the grocery store that Harry's friends from school should be invited. This sent the people into a flurry, half terrified at the thought of having delinquents near by, half curious and eager to blame one of them for the boy's unfortunate end. So Muggles and wizards filled the Dursleys' house.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Hermione, then, realizing what she must do (in accordance with Harry's last wishes), said, "But I was a dear friend to Harry, and it makes me soooo distraught that he's gone! Do you think you could console me, Dudley? I need someone with great, strong arms like you have." And with a hike of her skirt, she backed the astonished Dudley into Harry's closet.  
  
The spectators filed uncomfortably out of the room, only to run straight into Mr. Dursley.  
  
"Oh! So nice to see you all. I am sorry I am not a better host, but I am full of such grief! You know, Harry was like a son to me. He was scared to go out into the real world, that's why you saw so little of him, but I pushed him to be his best."  
  
"Arrogant bloke, ain't he?" a tall man whispered to his wife.  
  
"I 'eard it was 'im who beat 'im into submission," she replied.  
  
"But, alas," Vernon continued, "he is in a better place. Please, refreshments are downstairs and the service will start in about a half an hour."  
  
He ushered them down the stairs with flailing sweeps of his purple, swollen hands.  
  
.  
Hermione wiped her mouth as she stumbled out of Harry's closet. She had another mission to accomplish. She had to tell all the folks of Harry's last words.  
  
She took five minutes to go to the nearest Wal-Mart and pick up a few items, then came back to the funeral. She removed her sweater, revealing a tight strapless top, and sat next to Ron, whispering Harry's instructions in his ear.  
  
The casket was set in the Dursley's living room, since as it was raining in the cemetery, the eulogy would be given here. Ron stood up and approached the lectern.  
  
"Harry James Potter was my best friend. He was brave, noble, and true to the end. Its true that puberty had a nasty effect on him this past year, he did get a little snotty and full of himself, but overall this kid rocked. He rocked real hard. Many of you knew Harry very well but there was one secret only I knew. Now if you will all excuse me," Ron said as he stuck an oddly colored flower behind his ear and began to dance in a way no one ever wanted to see him dance. After a moment he stopped and began speaking again. "Many people mourn this day for, seeing as the only person with a chance to defeat him is gone, Voldemort will no doubt come into power and kill us all. _But_, I have great news. I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico." The audience muttered at bit at that. Ron hastily returned to the subject. "Harry and I also had another secret. This secret was that we were unregistered Animagi. He was a goat, but I wasn't as powerful as him so I've never transformed before. But the demise of my dear friend has given me the courage to do this."  
  
Slowly, Ron became blurry about the edges. Suddenly, there was a loud pop. Ron was gone. Everyone surged to their feet, looking around. Hermione pointed to the spot where Ron had been and shouted, "There! He's a spider!" then remembered that she was supposed to be slutty and added, "OH, someone SAVE me!" while jumping into the arms of the nearest male (Uncle Vernon).  
  
A hush fell over the crowd and a tiny, squeaky voice was just discernable.  
  
"Ahhh!!! I'm a spider. I hate spiders!! Yuck-GLUG!"  
  
"OH NO!" Mrs.Weasley cried and desperately began looking in her bag for some ibuprofen or Hershey's chocolate (yes it DOES solve everything). But it was too late. Ron had been scared to death.  
  
Completely nonplussed, Hermione took the lectern and began to speak.  
  
"Oh, what, like, terrible stuff is happening! Two people dead, this totally bites! But, does anyone want to go snog? I'm, like, _super_ depressed."  
  
Many men in the company raised their hands. Hermione giggled and tapped the side of her head, miming like she was deep in thought.  
  
Remus modified all the muggles' memories ('cause he's boring like that). _Oh crap_, he thought, _I'm supposed to be cool and get a girl_.  
  
He spotted a hottie dressed in black in the corner. She had wicked cornrows. Lupin approached her with the smooth line, "I think I died, too, because I see an angel."  
  
Severus Snape turned around with a smirk on his face.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Lupin cried, "What happened to you?"  
  
"Dear Miss Hermione wooed me into a bathroom to, uh, _talk about potions_, and she dunked me into the tub, washed my hair and gave me these. All the time giggling and telling me how cute I was going to look. That's a tad odd, come to think of it. But I guess it all payed off, if I'm an angel."  
  
"I-uh....thought you were a _girl_."  
  
"Does that matter? Why should you care, if you're attracted to me?"  
  
"Are you coming on to me, Snape?"  
  
"You just gave me a line, R. J."  
  
"Yeah, but that was a mistake!"  
  
"Just kiss me," Snape ordered  
  
So Lupin walked away, not completely surprised at the turn of events, but disturbed none the less. He passed Hermione trying to come on to a crying Neville. She wasn't having much luck, as all he wanted to do was talk about the possible nicer meanings about Harry's last words to him.  
  
"Maybe he meant I'm hopeless as in, I won't belong to a religion? Or maybe I'm down to earth and realistic because I hope less than other people."  
  
"He meant you're a loser who will amount to nothing. Now hurry up and kiss me. I have other guys to see."  
  
Dumbledore finally got up to speak. All of the muggles were extraordinarily confused, but no one dared to disrespect this ancient yet vibrant man.  
  
"Harry Potter was one of the greatest wizards of our time. It is a pity he killed himself and ruined our world's chance at happy living. Oh well, I have my lemon-drops, and my cherry coke, and I am prepared to go. Come and get me Voldie! It's all over now."  
  
Voldemort sat angrily in next door neighbor's garden.  
  
"Stupid curse so I can't get in the house! I wasn't invited anyway! Who does Albus think he is by not sending me word that my arch nemesis has died? It's only considerate. Gosh! No one is polite anymore. Man, I'd kill for a Coke. Hey, I can! I'm, like, bad." he said as he cursed the nearest muggle and searched his pockets for a coke bottle. "Curses!"

.  
Author's note: You love how we managed to kill Ron off before Hermione had to be whore-ish towards him? Next chapter: will Lupin ever get a girl? how will Neville cope with Harry's advice? will poor Voldie get his coke? Mwahahahaha. Thank goodness character torture isn't illegal.


End file.
